A Few Weeks Later

I know, I haven't been keeping up my end of this blogging deal.  I don't even have an excuse for not writing anything in the past few weeks other than I just forget to do it.  Most days I come home from work anywhere from 6:00 - 8:00 pm, throw something together for dinner, relax with my husband on the couch, and go to bed.  Try to sleep, wake up, go to work, repeat.  I've been on autopilot for the most part.  The only thing that has changed recently is that we had friends of ours move in with us two weekends ago.  Jeremy was the best man in our wedding and his girlfriend Spencer and dog Chase will be staying with us in our guest room in the basement for the summer.  I think.  I'm actually not sure how long they plan to stay.  There wasn't a real "plan" from the beginning.  Josh mentioned back in November that they might be staying with us at some point in the summer, and then months passed and nothing else was said about it, and now here they are. It's been really nice, though.  Chase and our dog Jack get along perfectly 98% of the time.  Jack is still getting used to other people (and animals) being in his house, but he's been pretty good.  Having them here has allowed me to worry less about being gone most of the day now that Jack isn't alone anymore when we leave for work, but it has also caused my anxiety level to increase overall, just because.  I've noticed myself doing more mindless eating and I know it's because I'm anxious overly.  Not really sure what about, but I can feel it.  I've gained two pounds in the last week due to nighttime overeating and doing nothing to offset the extra calories.  Spencer and I talked about working out together, but she ended up joining Fuel Fitness because they had a three month deal for the summer.

I haven't been back to Curves in months.  I almost went the other day when I was on my way home.  I actually pass it every day on my way home, but usually it's after 6:00 and I would have to get there by 5:30 in order to get a workout in before they close for the night.  Anyway, I didn't go because I didn't have clean gym shoes, which is a requirement to work out there.  Then I realized that my new, clean gym shoes that I bought specifically for Curves were actually in the trunk of my car, and by that point I had already talked myself out of going.  I did play in another soccer game this past Sunday.  It was really nice to get out there again after having to take a few weeks off.  The only negative (besides being insanely sore after each game) is that I have somehow convinced myself that playing soccer for 80 minutes every few weeks if more than enough exercise, and obviously it's not.  I know that.  But part of talking myself out of a more consistent exercise routine always consists of the thought "Well, at least I'm playing soccer now".  Like that makes up for not working out.  I know it doesn't, but I still can't get myself up early to go to the gym.  I think part of it is getting over the embarrassment of walking in after not going for so long at this point.  I've already rehearsed my excuses in my head - "I have a knee injury," or "I have been working longer hours and haven't been able to get up early to work out before work", or even "I've been sick and haven't had the energy."  All true, but not good enough reasons to skip a 20 minute, low impact, super easy exercise circuit.  I can already feel the eyes of the 60 and 70 year old women in the gym judging me.

My EEG and MRI results were normal.  I knew they would be.  The tests were more of a 'We have to rule out brain stuff first' sort of deal.  The neurologist had me tested next for B12 and Myasthenia Gravis at the follow up visit.  I got the results yesterday and my B12 levels are fine and there is no indication of any other issues.  I have an appointment with a sleep specialist next week since my insurance company denied coverage for the Sleep Study my neurologist ordered.  More specialists.  I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac, and it sucks.  This is how I felt before I was diagnosed with Graves'.  Every doctor I went to said I was fine.  I heard it all.  "It's just stress."  "There's nothing wrong with you."  "All of the tests are normal."  "Stop worrying so much and you'll stop losing weight without trying/you won't be so anxious/your hair will stop falling/your period will come back."  Ha, right.  My thyroid levels were off the charts, you incompetent assholes.  But who thinks to check the thyroid levels of an otherwise healthy 17 - 20 year old, right?  So, here we are again.  My body is telling me that something is wrong, and doctors and specialists are telling me that nothing is wrong.  Although, the neurologist did say that it was not normal for a 30 year old woman to be tired all of the time.  So, there's that.   

Frustrated

Saturday was amazing.  I played an entire game of soccer (80 minutes) with only two five minute breaks and one ten minute half-time and I didn't embarrass myself!  I was actually happy with how I played and impressed that I was able to keep up and play with some intensity.  I had forgotten how much fun I used to have while playing and how much I missed the competition and team aspect of it all.

That being said, it's been six days since the game and I still can't stand or walk without pain.  ALL OVER.  I pushed myself too hard, too fast and now I'm paying for it.  I went to have a massage on Thursday and the lady was shocked at how tight my muscles were and concerned for me that I had so much pain in my joints five days after exercising.  The thing is, I knew that I would be sore.  I knew that I was going to put a toll on my body.  I just didn't think it would be that bad.  For days after the game I was exhausted.  I could barely stay awake most days and was ready for bed by 7:00 pm.  Luckily, we don't play this weekend and won't have a game until next weekend so I will have more time to rest, but I am going to have to take it easy when I do play again.  Easier said than done.

I am still waiting on the results from the EEG and MRI.  I have to wait on the sleep study because my insurance company does not think it is "medically necessary" and won't pay for it, so I have asked my neurologist to look at the EEG and MRI results and tell me if I have to have it or not.  My follow up visit isn't until the end of the month, but I don't understand why I can't have my test results now.  It is beyond frustrating.  It's MY brain.  Why do I have to wait to know whether or not something is going on inside of it??? 

Starting Over

I ended up being sick for about 10 days.  I missed work, spent an awful lot of time on the couch, and tried to eat as much as I could while still following the Clean elimination diet and just overall feeling awful.  I blew my nose 500 times a day and barely slept most nights.  I finally started feeling better last Saturday and started back on the cleanse.  Again, it wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.  I got up, had a probiotic pill and a shake around 7:00, a snack around 10:00, healthy lunch around 1:00, snack around 4:00, shake around 7:00, and tons of water and several supplements throughout the day.  The book suggests not snacking at all, but it's so hard, and all of my snacks were healthy.  I didn't do much in the way of exercise because I was worried that I would pass out since I wasn't eating much, but I did join a recreational soccer team, so there's that! 

It's just once a week on Saturdays.  A friend of mine had been asking me to join for years, and I finally said yes a few weeks ago.  The game last week ended up being cancelled because of the rain, so my first game should be this Saturday.  I am both excited and terrified.  Even though I played in high school and college, I haven't played in over 10 years.  I went to see my doctor to make sure I had her "ok" to play, and she recommended an inhaler because of my asthma and allergies.  I mentioned that I was still pretty tired most days, even in the days leading up to the cleanse, and that I had been experiencing some mental fatigue as well.  It might seem like nothing, but I try to be honest with my doctors even at the risk of being a hypochondriac.  Once you are diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, you learn to be totally honest with your doctors.  If I hadn't been completely open with my doctor when I was in my 20s, who knows how long I would have gone being misdiagnosed. 

So anyway, I told her about the ongoing fatigue, and she referred me to a neurologist.  And...yeah.  Not what I was expected, but okay.  I went on Tuesday.  He reviewed my symptoms and medical history and ordered an MRI, EEG, and sleep study.  Pretty standard so there's not reason to be concerned yet.  I go for the EEG on Friday, MRI next Tuesday, and I have to call and schedule the sleep study.  While I have a feeling they won't find anything, at least I will have a few things to cross of the list of potential reasons I feel like crap all the time.  I was really hoping it was just a gluten/dairy/casein/something intolerance, but it doesn't look like that is the case. 

Irony

I started the Clean program 10 days ago.  The first part includes a pre-cleanse diet that is pretty restrictive, but basically consists of vegetables, lean meats (chicken and turkey), nuts, and fruits (excluding bananas and strawberries).  You are not allowed to eat wheat, dairy, have caffeine, drink alcohol, or have anything with preservatives.  Everything must be fresh and/or organic.  It was pretty difficult at first, but the food wasn't so bad once I got into it.  I started the actual cleanse on Monday.  It consists of a meal shake for breakfast with supplements and a probiotic, a healthy lunch from a list of approved food, and a meal shake with supplements for dinner.  You are not supposed to eat for 12 hours after dinner, and it is recommended that you take two spoonfuls of olive oil and add garlic to most of the foods you eat.  Again, not difficult, but not easy either.   My body lasted two days on the cleanse before totally freaking out.

On Tuesday, I was at work and started to feel a little stuffy and was sneezing occasionally.  I looked on the Clean website and read that those symptoms are pretty typical, so I didn't think much about it.  On Wednesday, I couldn't breathe through my nose at all, was completely congested, and felt horrible.  I also had a fever.  I emailed one of the Clean Wellness Coaches and let her know about my symptoms, and she said it would be a good idea to stop the cleanse until I was feeling better.  Ugh. Yesterday, I could breathe most of the day but the coughing started and I could barely talk.  I was in bed most of the day.  Today, I'm better, but still not back to normal, and just really frustrated.

Just when I thought something would really help, my body decided not to cooperate.  I actually felt much better on the pre-cleanse, and was looking forward to feeling amazing after the cleanse.  I have decided to look at this as my body telling me that it was too much, and that maybe it's best to do a modified version of the cleanse so I can keep my energy up and my immune system working.  I am not giving up, though.  The second I start feeling better, I will start the program again.  I have already noticed some weight coming off.  I have more energy and I am no longer bloated.  I am hopeful. 

Clean

The last few weeks have been pretty awful.  The depression is back, I haven't been sleeping through the night so I'm exhausted during the day and have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I have some overall body achiness that won't go away, mental confusion, and I've been pretty irritable to say the least.  I haven't been writing because, well, I'm just not really sure what to say at this point.  I haven't been to the gym at all in weeks, and that is hard to admit.  I haven't even been doing yoga.  I have been eating healthy (with the exception of the Dairy Queen blizzard I had last night as a last ditch effort to cheer myself up) so that has kept me on track as far as my weight goes, but I have just been feeling...blah.

I've been reading the book Clean by Alejandro Junger.  I'm not entirely sure if my depression, fatigue, and pain have to do with the foods that I'm eating or nutrients I'm not getting, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try the program.  There's a three day elimination diet which, for me, would only include cutting out a few things that I love (like strawberries, yogurt, and bananas) and then a few weeks of a cleanse which includes protein shakes in the morning and evening, and a healthy lunch and snacks from a list of approved foods.  At this point, I am ready to try anything to feel better.  I checked with my doctor and she approved it, and said that she and her husband actually do the same cleanse once a year!  So, my hopes are high.  I can't take another few weeks of feeling this way.

Change

I finally got a new doctor!  For those who know me, I have been unhappy with my doctor for a while now but was hesitant to change to someone new because I had been going to the same clinic since I was 18 years old.  I started considering changing after the third or fourth visit that left me waiting for almost two hours.  Now, I know my doctor is busy, but two hours just to sit in a waiting room and then talk to a doctor for 15 minutes is ridiculous.  And what's worse is that, since he is so busy, I didn't feel like he ever had the time to sit and actually listen to my concerns.  So, I did some research on healthgrades.com and found a doctor in my neighborhood and made an appointment.  Dr. Tarin is 27 years old, female, specializes in internal medicine, and is a huge fan of clean eating (no preservatives, lots of fruit and vegetables, low sugar/alcohol/dairy/gluten).  I have been looking into clean eating for the past few weeks, so it was pretty awesome when she actually recommended that I read the same book that I had just ordered from Amazon.com the week before!  The best part, though, the icing on the gluten/sugar free cake, was that she spent 45 minutes with me listening to every concern I had and answering every question I could think of.  She ordered every test I asked for, completely understood when I complained about how my last doctor would only ever order a TSH test when I would ask for a full thyroid panel, and listened to me talk about my concerns about getting pregnant.  She assured me that she would work with me to try to get me off of both my cholesterol and anxiety medicine if that's what I wanted.  For now, I am okay taking the meds if that's what my body needs, but I can't take them when I am pregnant, so it's great to know that there is a back up plan! 

I started my clean eating program today.  What's awesome that Josh is on board, too!  It makes it that much easier having only healthy food in the house instead of "my" food and "his" food to tempt me.  He went out yesterday and bought flax seed, hemp hearts, and protein powder to mix in my smoothies since I'm not a big meat eater and need the protein.  I started a supplement regiment that includes flax seed capsules, fish oil, a Multi Vitamin, B12, and Vitamin C.  We got rid of whatever junk we had in the kitchen (which wasn't much) to make sure that there were no temptations.  I also spent three hours yesterday cleaning and decluttering the kitchen.  I felt soooo much better after doing that.  It was amazing to me how much better I felt just having things organized.  We did yoga together yesterday which we haven't done in a while, so my muscles feel better, too.  Hopefully, by the end of this month, I will start seeing some significant changes. 

My New Normal

I went to Curves today after getting out of work early, and walked in to find that only one other woman works out on Wednesdays at 4:30.  She is 75 years old.  Her name is Delores.  She has a lot to say.  A LOT.  Mostly about the temperature of the facility, which, according to her, was unacceptable.  I forgot my iPod so I just listened politely while she finished her workout, which, thankfully, did not take long.  Halfway through my own workout, three other women came in.  They were all very nice.  We introduced ourselves and they all talked while I focused on my workout.  When I was done, one of the ladies asked if I wouldn't mind talking more the next time I came in, because they would all like to hear my stories, and I was a bit too quiet.  Um, what?  I guess it's not okay to come in and "just" workout.  You also have to be entertaining.  I mumbled something about being a quiet person and they all sort of laughed as if to say "That won't last long".  Who knows, maybe I'll find myself interacting more with these women eventually, but honestly,  I'm there to lose weight, not to socialize.  I know that probably makes me stand out even more, but I'm okay with that.

Josh and I had a talk today about how we think things would be different if we had a baby.  This came up after I talked to a few different friends with young children who basically said that we should cherish this time, because once we have kids, our marriage will go to crap.  It's not that I believe that, exactly.  I think Josh and I have an amazing relationship, better than most, actually, so I don't think that we will go from amazing to crap after having a baby. But I'm smart enough to know that our relationship will change.  There will be more stress, less sleep, and more to worry about.  I will probably complain that he works too much, and he will probably complain that I pay more attention to the baby than to him.  He will retreat to the gym more than I will want him to and I will be struggling to lose whatever weight I gain after working so hard to lose it the first time, which I know will be very tough.  But we will figure it out.  In the mean time, I'd really like some people to tell me that it doesn't have to get worse.  That having a baby can actually take our relationship from amazing to even more amazing.  Just one example would suffice.  Anyone?