Starting Over

I ended up being sick for about 10 days.  I missed work, spent an awful lot of time on the couch, and tried to eat as much as I could while still following the Clean elimination diet and just overall feeling awful.  I blew my nose 500 times a day and barely slept most nights.  I finally started feeling better last Saturday and started back on the cleanse.  Again, it wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.  I got up, had a probiotic pill and a shake around 7:00, a snack around 10:00, healthy lunch around 1:00, snack around 4:00, shake around 7:00, and tons of water and several supplements throughout the day.  The book suggests not snacking at all, but it's so hard, and all of my snacks were healthy.  I didn't do much in the way of exercise because I was worried that I would pass out since I wasn't eating much, but I did join a recreational soccer team, so there's that! 

It's just once a week on Saturdays.  A friend of mine had been asking me to join for years, and I finally said yes a few weeks ago.  The game last week ended up being cancelled because of the rain, so my first game should be this Saturday.  I am both excited and terrified.  Even though I played in high school and college, I haven't played in over 10 years.  I went to see my doctor to make sure I had her "ok" to play, and she recommended an inhaler because of my asthma and allergies.  I mentioned that I was still pretty tired most days, even in the days leading up to the cleanse, and that I had been experiencing some mental fatigue as well.  It might seem like nothing, but I try to be honest with my doctors even at the risk of being a hypochondriac.  Once you are diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, you learn to be totally honest with your doctors.  If I hadn't been completely open with my doctor when I was in my 20s, who knows how long I would have gone being misdiagnosed. 

So anyway, I told her about the ongoing fatigue, and she referred me to a neurologist.  And...yeah.  Not what I was expected, but okay.  I went on Tuesday.  He reviewed my symptoms and medical history and ordered an MRI, EEG, and sleep study.  Pretty standard so there's not reason to be concerned yet.  I go for the EEG on Friday, MRI next Tuesday, and I have to call and schedule the sleep study.  While I have a feeling they won't find anything, at least I will have a few things to cross of the list of potential reasons I feel like crap all the time.  I was really hoping it was just a gluten/dairy/casein/something intolerance, but it doesn't look like that is the case. 

Irony

I started the Clean program 10 days ago.  The first part includes a pre-cleanse diet that is pretty restrictive, but basically consists of vegetables, lean meats (chicken and turkey), nuts, and fruits (excluding bananas and strawberries).  You are not allowed to eat wheat, dairy, have caffeine, drink alcohol, or have anything with preservatives.  Everything must be fresh and/or organic.  It was pretty difficult at first, but the food wasn't so bad once I got into it.  I started the actual cleanse on Monday.  It consists of a meal shake for breakfast with supplements and a probiotic, a healthy lunch from a list of approved food, and a meal shake with supplements for dinner.  You are not supposed to eat for 12 hours after dinner, and it is recommended that you take two spoonfuls of olive oil and add garlic to most of the foods you eat.  Again, not difficult, but not easy either.   My body lasted two days on the cleanse before totally freaking out.

On Tuesday, I was at work and started to feel a little stuffy and was sneezing occasionally.  I looked on the Clean website and read that those symptoms are pretty typical, so I didn't think much about it.  On Wednesday, I couldn't breathe through my nose at all, was completely congested, and felt horrible.  I also had a fever.  I emailed one of the Clean Wellness Coaches and let her know about my symptoms, and she said it would be a good idea to stop the cleanse until I was feeling better.  Ugh. Yesterday, I could breathe most of the day but the coughing started and I could barely talk.  I was in bed most of the day.  Today, I'm better, but still not back to normal, and just really frustrated.

Just when I thought something would really help, my body decided not to cooperate.  I actually felt much better on the pre-cleanse, and was looking forward to feeling amazing after the cleanse.  I have decided to look at this as my body telling me that it was too much, and that maybe it's best to do a modified version of the cleanse so I can keep my energy up and my immune system working.  I am not giving up, though.  The second I start feeling better, I will start the program again.  I have already noticed some weight coming off.  I have more energy and I am no longer bloated.  I am hopeful. 

Clean

The last few weeks have been pretty awful.  The depression is back, I haven't been sleeping through the night so I'm exhausted during the day and have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I have some overall body achiness that won't go away, mental confusion, and I've been pretty irritable to say the least.  I haven't been writing because, well, I'm just not really sure what to say at this point.  I haven't been to the gym at all in weeks, and that is hard to admit.  I haven't even been doing yoga.  I have been eating healthy (with the exception of the Dairy Queen blizzard I had last night as a last ditch effort to cheer myself up) so that has kept me on track as far as my weight goes, but I have just been feeling...blah.

I've been reading the book Clean by Alejandro Junger.  I'm not entirely sure if my depression, fatigue, and pain have to do with the foods that I'm eating or nutrients I'm not getting, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try the program.  There's a three day elimination diet which, for me, would only include cutting out a few things that I love (like strawberries, yogurt, and bananas) and then a few weeks of a cleanse which includes protein shakes in the morning and evening, and a healthy lunch and snacks from a list of approved foods.  At this point, I am ready to try anything to feel better.  I checked with my doctor and she approved it, and said that she and her husband actually do the same cleanse once a year!  So, my hopes are high.  I can't take another few weeks of feeling this way.

Change

I finally got a new doctor!  For those who know me, I have been unhappy with my doctor for a while now but was hesitant to change to someone new because I had been going to the same clinic since I was 18 years old.  I started considering changing after the third or fourth visit that left me waiting for almost two hours.  Now, I know my doctor is busy, but two hours just to sit in a waiting room and then talk to a doctor for 15 minutes is ridiculous.  And what's worse is that, since he is so busy, I didn't feel like he ever had the time to sit and actually listen to my concerns.  So, I did some research on healthgrades.com and found a doctor in my neighborhood and made an appointment.  Dr. Tarin is 27 years old, female, specializes in internal medicine, and is a huge fan of clean eating (no preservatives, lots of fruit and vegetables, low sugar/alcohol/dairy/gluten).  I have been looking into clean eating for the past few weeks, so it was pretty awesome when she actually recommended that I read the same book that I had just ordered from Amazon.com the week before!  The best part, though, the icing on the gluten/sugar free cake, was that she spent 45 minutes with me listening to every concern I had and answering every question I could think of.  She ordered every test I asked for, completely understood when I complained about how my last doctor would only ever order a TSH test when I would ask for a full thyroid panel, and listened to me talk about my concerns about getting pregnant.  She assured me that she would work with me to try to get me off of both my cholesterol and anxiety medicine if that's what I wanted.  For now, I am okay taking the meds if that's what my body needs, but I can't take them when I am pregnant, so it's great to know that there is a back up plan! 

I started my clean eating program today.  What's awesome that Josh is on board, too!  It makes it that much easier having only healthy food in the house instead of "my" food and "his" food to tempt me.  He went out yesterday and bought flax seed, hemp hearts, and protein powder to mix in my smoothies since I'm not a big meat eater and need the protein.  I started a supplement regiment that includes flax seed capsules, fish oil, a Multi Vitamin, B12, and Vitamin C.  We got rid of whatever junk we had in the kitchen (which wasn't much) to make sure that there were no temptations.  I also spent three hours yesterday cleaning and decluttering the kitchen.  I felt soooo much better after doing that.  It was amazing to me how much better I felt just having things organized.  We did yoga together yesterday which we haven't done in a while, so my muscles feel better, too.  Hopefully, by the end of this month, I will start seeing some significant changes. 

My New Normal

I went to Curves today after getting out of work early, and walked in to find that only one other woman works out on Wednesdays at 4:30.  She is 75 years old.  Her name is Delores.  She has a lot to say.  A LOT.  Mostly about the temperature of the facility, which, according to her, was unacceptable.  I forgot my iPod so I just listened politely while she finished her workout, which, thankfully, did not take long.  Halfway through my own workout, three other women came in.  They were all very nice.  We introduced ourselves and they all talked while I focused on my workout.  When I was done, one of the ladies asked if I wouldn't mind talking more the next time I came in, because they would all like to hear my stories, and I was a bit too quiet.  Um, what?  I guess it's not okay to come in and "just" workout.  You also have to be entertaining.  I mumbled something about being a quiet person and they all sort of laughed as if to say "That won't last long".  Who knows, maybe I'll find myself interacting more with these women eventually, but honestly,  I'm there to lose weight, not to socialize.  I know that probably makes me stand out even more, but I'm okay with that.

Josh and I had a talk today about how we think things would be different if we had a baby.  This came up after I talked to a few different friends with young children who basically said that we should cherish this time, because once we have kids, our marriage will go to crap.  It's not that I believe that, exactly.  I think Josh and I have an amazing relationship, better than most, actually, so I don't think that we will go from amazing to crap after having a baby. But I'm smart enough to know that our relationship will change.  There will be more stress, less sleep, and more to worry about.  I will probably complain that he works too much, and he will probably complain that I pay more attention to the baby than to him.  He will retreat to the gym more than I will want him to and I will be struggling to lose whatever weight I gain after working so hard to lose it the first time, which I know will be very tough.  But we will figure it out.  In the mean time, I'd really like some people to tell me that it doesn't have to get worse.  That having a baby can actually take our relationship from amazing to even more amazing.  Just one example would suffice.  Anyone?

Motivation

Yesterday was my first official day as a Curves member.  Josh tried to wake me up at 7:00 am and, surprising even to me, I got up, got my stuff together, and was out the door by 7:15.  Josh dropped me off on his way to work so I was at the gym and ready to work out by 7:20.  Did I mention before that I'm not a morning person?  This, for me, was EPIC.  It was the absolute earliest I have ever worked out (or even been out of my house doing anything athletic-y) in my life.  I was in the same clothes I slept in the night before, no make up, hair in a messy ponytail.  There were five other women there when I arrived and two more who came while I was halfway through the circuit.  It was, well...interesting.  Let's just say that everyone in the room had either 30 years or 50 lbs on me, easy.  Most of the women spent the time talking about their kids and grandkids.  I listened to my ipod on shuffle and rediscovered some of my favorite songs while half listening to the conversations, smiling and nodding at people so they didn't think I was a total jerk.  I finished the circuit twice and checked my heart rate, and was shocked to see that it was at 100%.  I finished stretching and walked home.  It took me 7 minutes and was not bad at all.  I was a tiny bit sore when I got up this morning.  This might actually work!

I went again this morning.  Josh dropped me off at 7:20 on his way to work and I walked home.  The atmosphere was the same.  Older women talking about their kids and grandkids, marriages, vacations they hope to take, plans for Valentine's day.  I left my ipod on for the first time around the circuit but turned it off for the second time around and tried to interact a bit, again, so I didn't look like a jerk.  I told the lady who signed me up that I was going to try to come every morning.  Obviously I don't have the best track record with sticking to my goals, but hopefully I can come close.  I already feel better and can't wait to start seeing some results.  Every little bit of change is motivation to me.

A New Beginning

My aunt is doing better.  She is walking with some assistance but is still in the hospital.  They want to release her soon but she will probably have a home-health nurse to help her out since my uncle is still in a back brace from his injuries.  They are very determined to get better.  I hope they do soon.

I finally got my test results back.  My cholesterol is still very high.  Well, actually, my HDL which is supposed to be high, is low, and my LDL which is supposed to be low, is high.  So, yeah.  I started taking fish oil supplements and cut out more processed food from my diet.  The only processed foods I really eat anymore are cereal and low fat, low calorie granola bars.  But, not anymore.  It will be oatmeal, fruit, or yogurt, or some combination of the three for breakfast from now on.  I am tired of taking meds, and I won't be able to take them when I'm pregnant anyway, so I HAVE to figure out how to do this on my own.

So, I finally went for my free trial at the gym down the street.  I told a friend of mine that I was embarrassed to tell him what the gym was called, and when I finally did, he did not understand by hesitation at all.  So, here it is.  I am going to start working out at Curves.  My problem with admitting that originally was because...well, there were a few problems, actually.  The first was that I have been an athlete my entire life.  I did competitive gymnastics, soccer, softball, basketball and track growing up.  I played soccer in college until the Graves' symptoms wouldn't allow me to anymore.  Even after I had the radioactive iodine treatment, I refused to do any type of exercise that wasn't competitive (hence, never taking to Yoga).  When I finally found cardio kickboxing, I felt like I was back where I belonged.  It was a great combination of athleticism and competition trying to keep up with everyone else in the gym. 

The other problem was my vision of Curves.  When I thought about it, to be honest, I pictured a bunch of lazy, older women who can't make it at a "normal" gym.  When I accepted the fact that Curves really was the best place for me at this time in my life, I was a little disappointed in myself.  But when I went for my free trial today, instead of disappointment, I felt proud of myself.  I was finally doing something instead of just talking about it.  I signed up for 12 months, knowing good and well that I might not make it that long, because that's been my history, but knowing that I have to at least try.  The workout is only as hard as you make it.  The machines work on resistance, so they work as hard as you do, and you can do the 10 minute circuit as many times as you want.  They track your progress every few weeks, it's a small gym, only women are allowed so I can roll out of bed and go in my pajamas and not feel self-conscious, and the best part is that it's only 30 seconds from my house.  We'll call this Day 1.