The last few weeks have been pretty awful. The depression is back, I haven't been sleeping through the night so I'm exhausted during the day and have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I have some overall body achiness that won't go away, mental confusion, and I've been pretty irritable to say the least. I haven't been writing because, well, I'm just not really sure what to say at this point. I haven't been to the gym at all in weeks, and that is hard to admit. I haven't even been doing yoga. I have been eating healthy (with the exception of the Dairy Queen blizzard I had last night as a last ditch effort to cheer myself up) so that has kept me on track as far as my weight goes, but I have just been feeling...blah.
I've been reading the book Clean by Alejandro Junger. I'm not entirely sure if my depression, fatigue, and pain have to do with the foods that I'm eating or nutrients I'm not getting, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try the program. There's a three day elimination diet which, for me, would only include cutting out a few things that I love (like strawberries, yogurt, and bananas) and then a few weeks of a cleanse which includes protein shakes in the morning and evening, and a healthy lunch and snacks from a list of approved foods. At this point, I am ready to try anything to feel better. I checked with my doctor and she approved it, and said that she and her husband actually do the same cleanse once a year! So, my hopes are high. I can't take another few weeks of feeling this way.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Change
I finally got a new doctor! For those who know me, I have been unhappy with my doctor for a while now but was hesitant to change to someone new because I had been going to the same clinic since I was 18 years old. I started considering changing after the third or fourth visit that left me waiting for almost two hours. Now, I know my doctor is busy, but two hours just to sit in a waiting room and then talk to a doctor for 15 minutes is ridiculous. And what's worse is that, since he is so busy, I didn't feel like he ever had the time to sit and actually listen to my concerns. So, I did some research on healthgrades.com and found a doctor in my neighborhood and made an appointment. Dr. Tarin is 27 years old, female, specializes in internal medicine, and is a huge fan of clean eating (no preservatives, lots of fruit and vegetables, low sugar/alcohol/dairy/gluten). I have been looking into clean eating for the past few weeks, so it was pretty awesome when she actually recommended that I read the same book that I had just ordered from Amazon.com the week before! The best part, though, the icing on the gluten/sugar free cake, was that she spent 45 minutes with me listening to every concern I had and answering every question I could think of. She ordered every test I asked for, completely understood when I complained about how my last doctor would only ever order a TSH test when I would ask for a full thyroid panel, and listened to me talk about my concerns about getting pregnant. She assured me that she would work with me to try to get me off of both my cholesterol and anxiety medicine if that's what I wanted. For now, I am okay taking the meds if that's what my body needs, but I can't take them when I am pregnant, so it's great to know that there is a back up plan!
I started my clean eating program today. What's awesome that Josh is on board, too! It makes it that much easier having only healthy food in the house instead of "my" food and "his" food to tempt me. He went out yesterday and bought flax seed, hemp hearts, and protein powder to mix in my smoothies since I'm not a big meat eater and need the protein. I started a supplement regiment that includes flax seed capsules, fish oil, a Multi Vitamin, B12, and Vitamin C. We got rid of whatever junk we had in the kitchen (which wasn't much) to make sure that there were no temptations. I also spent three hours yesterday cleaning and decluttering the kitchen. I felt soooo much better after doing that. It was amazing to me how much better I felt just having things organized. We did yoga together yesterday which we haven't done in a while, so my muscles feel better, too. Hopefully, by the end of this month, I will start seeing some significant changes.
I started my clean eating program today. What's awesome that Josh is on board, too! It makes it that much easier having only healthy food in the house instead of "my" food and "his" food to tempt me. He went out yesterday and bought flax seed, hemp hearts, and protein powder to mix in my smoothies since I'm not a big meat eater and need the protein. I started a supplement regiment that includes flax seed capsules, fish oil, a Multi Vitamin, B12, and Vitamin C. We got rid of whatever junk we had in the kitchen (which wasn't much) to make sure that there were no temptations. I also spent three hours yesterday cleaning and decluttering the kitchen. I felt soooo much better after doing that. It was amazing to me how much better I felt just having things organized. We did yoga together yesterday which we haven't done in a while, so my muscles feel better, too. Hopefully, by the end of this month, I will start seeing some significant changes.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
My New Normal
I went to Curves today after getting out of work early, and walked in to find that only one other woman works out on Wednesdays at 4:30. She is 75 years old. Her name is Delores. She has a lot to say. A LOT. Mostly about the temperature of the facility, which, according to her, was unacceptable. I forgot my iPod so I just listened politely while she finished her workout, which, thankfully, did not take long. Halfway through my own workout, three other women came in. They were all very nice. We introduced ourselves and they all talked while I focused on my workout. When I was done, one of the ladies asked if I wouldn't mind talking more the next time I came in, because they would all like to hear my stories, and I was a bit too quiet. Um, what? I guess it's not okay to come in and "just" workout. You also have to be entertaining. I mumbled something about being a quiet person and they all sort of laughed as if to say "That won't last long". Who knows, maybe I'll find myself interacting more with these women eventually, but honestly, I'm there to lose weight, not to socialize. I know that probably makes me stand out even more, but I'm okay with that.
Josh and I had a talk today about how we think things would be different if we had a baby. This came up after I talked to a few different friends with young children who basically said that we should cherish this time, because once we have kids, our marriage will go to crap. It's not that I believe that, exactly. I think Josh and I have an amazing relationship, better than most, actually, so I don't think that we will go from amazing to crap after having a baby. But I'm smart enough to know that our relationship will change. There will be more stress, less sleep, and more to worry about. I will probably complain that he works too much, and he will probably complain that I pay more attention to the baby than to him. He will retreat to the gym more than I will want him to and I will be struggling to lose whatever weight I gain after working so hard to lose it the first time, which I know will be very tough. But we will figure it out. In the mean time, I'd really like some people to tell me that it doesn't have to get worse. That having a baby can actually take our relationship from amazing to even more amazing. Just one example would suffice. Anyone?
Josh and I had a talk today about how we think things would be different if we had a baby. This came up after I talked to a few different friends with young children who basically said that we should cherish this time, because once we have kids, our marriage will go to crap. It's not that I believe that, exactly. I think Josh and I have an amazing relationship, better than most, actually, so I don't think that we will go from amazing to crap after having a baby. But I'm smart enough to know that our relationship will change. There will be more stress, less sleep, and more to worry about. I will probably complain that he works too much, and he will probably complain that I pay more attention to the baby than to him. He will retreat to the gym more than I will want him to and I will be struggling to lose whatever weight I gain after working so hard to lose it the first time, which I know will be very tough. But we will figure it out. In the mean time, I'd really like some people to tell me that it doesn't have to get worse. That having a baby can actually take our relationship from amazing to even more amazing. Just one example would suffice. Anyone?
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Motivation
Yesterday was my first official day as a Curves member. Josh tried to wake me up at 7:00 am and, surprising even to me, I got up, got my stuff together, and was out the door by 7:15. Josh dropped me off on his way to work so I was at the gym and ready to work out by 7:20. Did I mention before that I'm not a morning person? This, for me, was EPIC. It was the absolute earliest I have ever worked out (or even been out of my house doing anything athletic-y) in my life. I was in the same clothes I slept in the night before, no make up, hair in a messy ponytail. There were five other women there when I arrived and two more who came while I was halfway through the circuit. It was, well...interesting. Let's just say that everyone in the room had either 30 years or 50 lbs on me, easy. Most of the women spent the time talking about their kids and grandkids. I listened to my ipod on shuffle and rediscovered some of my favorite songs while half listening to the conversations, smiling and nodding at people so they didn't think I was a total jerk. I finished the circuit twice and checked my heart rate, and was shocked to see that it was at 100%. I finished stretching and walked home. It took me 7 minutes and was not bad at all. I was a tiny bit sore when I got up this morning. This might actually work!
I went again this morning. Josh dropped me off at 7:20 on his way to work and I walked home. The atmosphere was the same. Older women talking about their kids and grandkids, marriages, vacations they hope to take, plans for Valentine's day. I left my ipod on for the first time around the circuit but turned it off for the second time around and tried to interact a bit, again, so I didn't look like a jerk. I told the lady who signed me up that I was going to try to come every morning. Obviously I don't have the best track record with sticking to my goals, but hopefully I can come close. I already feel better and can't wait to start seeing some results. Every little bit of change is motivation to me.
I went again this morning. Josh dropped me off at 7:20 on his way to work and I walked home. The atmosphere was the same. Older women talking about their kids and grandkids, marriages, vacations they hope to take, plans for Valentine's day. I left my ipod on for the first time around the circuit but turned it off for the second time around and tried to interact a bit, again, so I didn't look like a jerk. I told the lady who signed me up that I was going to try to come every morning. Obviously I don't have the best track record with sticking to my goals, but hopefully I can come close. I already feel better and can't wait to start seeing some results. Every little bit of change is motivation to me.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
A New Beginning
My aunt is doing better. She is walking with some assistance but is still in the hospital. They want to release her soon but she will probably have a home-health nurse to help her out since my uncle is still in a back brace from his injuries. They are very determined to get better. I hope they do soon.
I finally got my test results back. My cholesterol is still very high. Well, actually, my HDL which is supposed to be high, is low, and my LDL which is supposed to be low, is high. So, yeah. I started taking fish oil supplements and cut out more processed food from my diet. The only processed foods I really eat anymore are cereal and low fat, low calorie granola bars. But, not anymore. It will be oatmeal, fruit, or yogurt, or some combination of the three for breakfast from now on. I am tired of taking meds, and I won't be able to take them when I'm pregnant anyway, so I HAVE to figure out how to do this on my own.
So, I finally went for my free trial at the gym down the street. I told a friend of mine that I was embarrassed to tell him what the gym was called, and when I finally did, he did not understand by hesitation at all. So, here it is. I am going to start working out at Curves. My problem with admitting that originally was because...well, there were a few problems, actually. The first was that I have been an athlete my entire life. I did competitive gymnastics, soccer, softball, basketball and track growing up. I played soccer in college until the Graves' symptoms wouldn't allow me to anymore. Even after I had the radioactive iodine treatment, I refused to do any type of exercise that wasn't competitive (hence, never taking to Yoga). When I finally found cardio kickboxing, I felt like I was back where I belonged. It was a great combination of athleticism and competition trying to keep up with everyone else in the gym.
The other problem was my vision of Curves. When I thought about it, to be honest, I pictured a bunch of lazy, older women who can't make it at a "normal" gym. When I accepted the fact that Curves really was the best place for me at this time in my life, I was a little disappointed in myself. But when I went for my free trial today, instead of disappointment, I felt proud of myself. I was finally doing something instead of just talking about it. I signed up for 12 months, knowing good and well that I might not make it that long, because that's been my history, but knowing that I have to at least try. The workout is only as hard as you make it. The machines work on resistance, so they work as hard as you do, and you can do the 10 minute circuit as many times as you want. They track your progress every few weeks, it's a small gym, only women are allowed so I can roll out of bed and go in my pajamas and not feel self-conscious, and the best part is that it's only 30 seconds from my house. We'll call this Day 1.
I finally got my test results back. My cholesterol is still very high. Well, actually, my HDL which is supposed to be high, is low, and my LDL which is supposed to be low, is high. So, yeah. I started taking fish oil supplements and cut out more processed food from my diet. The only processed foods I really eat anymore are cereal and low fat, low calorie granola bars. But, not anymore. It will be oatmeal, fruit, or yogurt, or some combination of the three for breakfast from now on. I am tired of taking meds, and I won't be able to take them when I'm pregnant anyway, so I HAVE to figure out how to do this on my own.
So, I finally went for my free trial at the gym down the street. I told a friend of mine that I was embarrassed to tell him what the gym was called, and when I finally did, he did not understand by hesitation at all. So, here it is. I am going to start working out at Curves. My problem with admitting that originally was because...well, there were a few problems, actually. The first was that I have been an athlete my entire life. I did competitive gymnastics, soccer, softball, basketball and track growing up. I played soccer in college until the Graves' symptoms wouldn't allow me to anymore. Even after I had the radioactive iodine treatment, I refused to do any type of exercise that wasn't competitive (hence, never taking to Yoga). When I finally found cardio kickboxing, I felt like I was back where I belonged. It was a great combination of athleticism and competition trying to keep up with everyone else in the gym.
The other problem was my vision of Curves. When I thought about it, to be honest, I pictured a bunch of lazy, older women who can't make it at a "normal" gym. When I accepted the fact that Curves really was the best place for me at this time in my life, I was a little disappointed in myself. But when I went for my free trial today, instead of disappointment, I felt proud of myself. I was finally doing something instead of just talking about it. I signed up for 12 months, knowing good and well that I might not make it that long, because that's been my history, but knowing that I have to at least try. The workout is only as hard as you make it. The machines work on resistance, so they work as hard as you do, and you can do the 10 minute circuit as many times as you want. They track your progress every few weeks, it's a small gym, only women are allowed so I can roll out of bed and go in my pajamas and not feel self-conscious, and the best part is that it's only 30 seconds from my house. We'll call this Day 1.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Still Waiting
Yep, still waiting for my test results. I'm not sure what the issue is. Usually my doctor just calls in a new script if he wants to change my med levels so I don't have to come in to the office all the time, but I haven't heard anything and I'm starting to worry. But worrying is nothing new this week...
My aunt and uncle were in a horrible car accident on Thursday. I was leaving work and about to turn to go home when I got the call. I went straight to the hospital. I was the first one there, so I went back and forth from one room to the other in the ER, trying to figure out what was going on and if they were going to be okay. I walked in the first room to find my uncle in a neck brace and unable to move. As soon as I walked in, he started to cry, saying it wasn't his fault, it was an accident, the car hit a patch of ice and they flew down the side of a hill. They had to be cut out of the car. He was so scared because he didn't know what had happened to his wife. I told him I would check on her, and left to find her room.
She was even worse. Also in a neck brace, but still on the board they use to lift people into the ambulance. She complained to me that they wouldn't take her off of the board and it hurt so badly, she just wanted to lie in the bed and couldn't even do that. The nurse came in and told her the MRI results came back and they needed to do emergency surgery. We had no idea why. I went to tell my uncle and he broke down sobbing. He yelled to the nurse to take him to his wife. She rolled his bed down the ER hallway and into her room, next to her bed. They held hands because it was all they could do, both in neck braces and unable to move. It was heartbreaking.
We later found out that a bone in her back had shattered during the crash and that pieces of bone were pressing against her spinal cord. The doctors were not sure if she would be able to walk or even move after the surgery. They gave her a 4 percent chance of recovery without paralysis. My uncle was released on Saturday and sent home in a back brace. He has a compression fracture but he will be okay. My aunt was expected to have a very long road ahead of her, prognosis still unknown. Well, we called today and talked to my aunt. She told us that she surprised the crap out of the nurses by walking with assistance. Unbelievable. She is so strong. And stubborn. And...amazing. She kept saying that all she wanted to do was get home and get back to work. She was not about to lie around and feel sorry for herself. She didn't have time for that.
Just, wow.
My aunt and uncle were in a horrible car accident on Thursday. I was leaving work and about to turn to go home when I got the call. I went straight to the hospital. I was the first one there, so I went back and forth from one room to the other in the ER, trying to figure out what was going on and if they were going to be okay. I walked in the first room to find my uncle in a neck brace and unable to move. As soon as I walked in, he started to cry, saying it wasn't his fault, it was an accident, the car hit a patch of ice and they flew down the side of a hill. They had to be cut out of the car. He was so scared because he didn't know what had happened to his wife. I told him I would check on her, and left to find her room.
She was even worse. Also in a neck brace, but still on the board they use to lift people into the ambulance. She complained to me that they wouldn't take her off of the board and it hurt so badly, she just wanted to lie in the bed and couldn't even do that. The nurse came in and told her the MRI results came back and they needed to do emergency surgery. We had no idea why. I went to tell my uncle and he broke down sobbing. He yelled to the nurse to take him to his wife. She rolled his bed down the ER hallway and into her room, next to her bed. They held hands because it was all they could do, both in neck braces and unable to move. It was heartbreaking.
We later found out that a bone in her back had shattered during the crash and that pieces of bone were pressing against her spinal cord. The doctors were not sure if she would be able to walk or even move after the surgery. They gave her a 4 percent chance of recovery without paralysis. My uncle was released on Saturday and sent home in a back brace. He has a compression fracture but he will be okay. My aunt was expected to have a very long road ahead of her, prognosis still unknown. Well, we called today and talked to my aunt. She told us that she surprised the crap out of the nurses by walking with assistance. Unbelievable. She is so strong. And stubborn. And...amazing. She kept saying that all she wanted to do was get home and get back to work. She was not about to lie around and feel sorry for herself. She didn't have time for that.
Just, wow.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
1 Week Later
I still don't have answers from the doctors. Again, they are at a loss as to what is going on with my body. I'm still waiting on my thyroid results so maybe that will shed some light on things. I am hoping to get my levels within normal limits so that I can go off of the cholesterol medicine. It's not something I can take when I'm pregnant, so I would like my body to get to the point where it's no longer necessary. I've also been taking .5 mg of an anti-anxiety medicine for the last year which my doctor thinks may be causing my blood pressure issues. Hopefully, for now, I can manage with a .25 mg dose each day. I'm afraid to even read about the potential complications from taking anxiety medication during pregnancy. Obviously, I will stop taking it if I have to, but I really hope it's not an issue. I've felt like a completely different (i.e. normal) person since I started taking this medicine and I don't want to go back to how things used to be. I'm actually better at my job when I'm less anxious, and I eat less since I tend to stress eat sometimes, so I'd like to keep it that way if I can.
My depression symptoms haven't improved much. I've been staying home more than usual, cancelling plans often, struggling to just get up and even take a shower. I don't feel like myself. The weird part is, I usually sleep a lot when I feel depressed, but these days, I haven't been sleeping much at all. I'm going on four nights now with no more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep. It doesn't make much sense. I forced myself to leave the house today and go into the office. I am extremely lucky and get to work from home occasionally, but I can't take advantage of it and have to get it together soon. My clients and supervisees need me to be healthy and at my best.
I drove past the gym today and considered going in to officially join. I even saw a commercial for the same gym today and felt like it was a sign. They are having a membership sale! But, I passed right by because there were too many cars in the parking lot. Or, at least that's what I told myself. In reality, I just didn't have the energy to stop and get out of the car again. It's so frustrating to even type this, because I just want to tell myself to get over myself already. Quit talking about doing things and then not doing them! But beating myself up isn't helpful.
I knew this would take time because that's been my history. I have to keep taking it slow or else I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. I'm still eating healthy, running around with the dog, and doing yoga as much as I can stand it. Seriously, though, it's time to take the next step...
My depression symptoms haven't improved much. I've been staying home more than usual, cancelling plans often, struggling to just get up and even take a shower. I don't feel like myself. The weird part is, I usually sleep a lot when I feel depressed, but these days, I haven't been sleeping much at all. I'm going on four nights now with no more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep. It doesn't make much sense. I forced myself to leave the house today and go into the office. I am extremely lucky and get to work from home occasionally, but I can't take advantage of it and have to get it together soon. My clients and supervisees need me to be healthy and at my best.
I drove past the gym today and considered going in to officially join. I even saw a commercial for the same gym today and felt like it was a sign. They are having a membership sale! But, I passed right by because there were too many cars in the parking lot. Or, at least that's what I told myself. In reality, I just didn't have the energy to stop and get out of the car again. It's so frustrating to even type this, because I just want to tell myself to get over myself already. Quit talking about doing things and then not doing them! But beating myself up isn't helpful.
I knew this would take time because that's been my history. I have to keep taking it slow or else I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. I'm still eating healthy, running around with the dog, and doing yoga as much as I can stand it. Seriously, though, it's time to take the next step...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)