Still Waiting

Yep, still waiting for my test results.  I'm not sure what the issue is.  Usually my doctor just calls in a new script if he wants to change my med levels so I don't have to come in to the office all the time, but I haven't heard anything and I'm starting to worry.  But worrying is nothing new this week...

My aunt and uncle were in a horrible car accident on Thursday.  I was leaving work and about to turn to go home when I got the call.  I went straight to the hospital.  I was the first one there, so I went back and forth from one room to the other in the ER, trying to figure out what was going on and if they were going to be okay.  I walked in the first room to find my uncle in a neck brace and unable to move.  As soon as I walked in, he started to cry, saying it wasn't his fault, it was an accident, the car hit a patch of ice and they flew down the side of a hill.  They had to be cut out of the car.  He was so scared because he didn't know what had happened to his wife.  I told him I would check on her, and left to find her room.

She was even worse.  Also in a neck brace, but still on the board they use to lift people into the ambulance.  She complained to me that they wouldn't take her off of the board and it hurt so badly, she just wanted to lie in the bed and couldn't even do that.  The nurse came in and told her the MRI results came back and they needed to do emergency surgery.  We had no idea why.  I went to tell my uncle and he broke down sobbing.  He yelled to the nurse to take him to his wife.  She rolled his bed down the ER hallway and into her room, next to her bed.  They held hands because it was all they could do, both in neck braces and unable to move.  It was heartbreaking. 

We later found out that a bone in her back had shattered during the crash and that pieces of bone were pressing against her spinal cord.  The doctors were not sure if she would be able to walk or even move after the surgery.  They gave her a 4 percent chance of recovery without paralysis.  My uncle was released on Saturday and sent home in a back brace.  He has a compression fracture but he will be okay.  My aunt was expected to have a very long road ahead of her, prognosis still unknown.  Well, we called today and talked to my aunt.  She told us that she surprised the crap out of the nurses by walking with assistance.  Unbelievable.  She is so strong.  And stubborn.  And...amazing.  She kept saying that all she wanted to do was get home and get back to work.  She was not about to lie around and feel sorry for herself.  She didn't have time for that. 

Just, wow.

1 Week Later

I still don't have answers from the doctors.  Again, they are at a loss as to what is going on with my body.  I'm still waiting on my thyroid results so maybe that will shed some light on things.  I am hoping to get my levels within normal limits so that I can go off of the cholesterol medicine.  It's not something I can take when I'm pregnant, so I would like my body to get to the point where it's no longer necessary.  I've also been taking .5 mg of an anti-anxiety medicine for the last year which my doctor thinks may be causing my blood pressure issues.  Hopefully, for now,  I can manage with a .25 mg dose each day.  I'm afraid to even read about the potential complications from taking anxiety medication during pregnancy.  Obviously, I will stop taking it if I have to, but I really hope it's not an issue.  I've felt like a completely different (i.e. normal) person since I started taking this medicine and I don't want to go back to how things used to be.  I'm actually better at my job when I'm less anxious, and I eat less since I tend to stress eat sometimes, so I'd like to keep it that way if I can. 

My depression symptoms haven't improved much.  I've been staying home more than usual, cancelling plans often, struggling to just get up and even take a shower.  I don't feel like myself.  The weird part is, I usually sleep a lot when I feel depressed, but these days, I haven't been sleeping much at all.  I'm going on four nights now with no more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep.  It doesn't make much sense.  I forced myself to leave the house today and go into the office.  I am extremely lucky and get to work from home occasionally, but I can't take advantage of it and have to get it together soon.  My clients and supervisees need me to be healthy and at my best.

I drove past the gym today and considered going in to officially join.  I even saw a commercial for the same gym today and felt like it was a sign.  They are having a membership sale!  But, I passed right by because there were too many cars in the parking lot.  Or, at least that's what I told myself.  In reality, I just didn't have the energy to stop and get out of the car again.  It's so frustrating to even type this, because I just want to tell myself to get over myself already.  Quit talking about doing things and then not doing them!  But beating myself up isn't helpful. 

I knew this would take time because that's been my history.  I have to keep taking it slow or else I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing.  I'm still eating healthy, running around with the dog, and doing yoga as much as I can stand it.  Seriously, though, it's time to take the next step...

Answers

I went to the doctor today hoping to have blood work done to check my thyroid levels.  Instead, I found out that, apparently, my thyroid is likely causing my body to process cholesterol improperly.  Hmm.  I found out that I had high cholesterol a few months ago, but my doctor didn't say a word about my thyroid being related.  Today, my doctor was out of the office and I saw his partner instead, and he happened to mention the connection between the two.  I came home, did some research, and sure enough, there is research to support the theory.  So, all the more reason to make sure that my levels are within normal limits.  I might be able to go off of the cholesterol medication if they are, and the less medication I have to take, the better I feel.

I also mentioned to the doctor that I have been getting dizzy lately, mainly when I stand up after sitting for a long time, and when I blow my nose.  He took my blood pressure and it was 90/60.  Unsure what the reason for that is, but he took some extra blood to run a full panel and I should know soon if there are any other issues.  I also mentioned the heart palpitations I've been having for the last few weeks.  Right now, I'm just trying to take it easy.  Yoga and walking the dog have been my go-to workouts, if you can even call them that.  But, with the dizziness and heart palpitations, I'm scared to try anything else right now. 

Fail

Um, so...yeah.  I haven't posted anything since Sunday.  I almost decided to just give up and delete this whole thing after I missed posting on Monday.  That's how much a perfectionist I am.  If I can't do it the "right" way, I don't want to do it at all.  I have the same problem with eating healthy and working out.  Surprise, surprise.  If I can't work out all the time or as hard as I want to, I end up wanting to quit.  If I slip and eat something unhealthy, I think my whole day is shot so I might as well eat junk the rest of the day. 

But, I'm back.  I think this really is helping, and I'm not going to give up that easily.  Not this time.  I just have to redefine what makes this writing project a success.  It may not be writing every single day, but it will be giving myself a way to get my thoughts and frustrations out and continue to motivate myself.  For example, I talked Josh into doing "intermediate yoga" last night instead of the beginner yoga because I was getting bored with it (yes, already), and the whole time I thought, "I can't wait to write about this!"  It was sooo challenging, but I made it through. 

I still haven't gone to check out the gym down the street.  I haven't made my way to the doctor's office to get my levels checked.  I am not perfect.  Ugh, it's so hard to write that.  But, I'm not.  And I have to get over it.  I will get to the doctor when I can.  I will go check out the gym when it works for my schedule.  Maybe Friday, maybe Saturday, maybe next week.  For now, the yoga has been really amazing and I'm actually seeing results, so it's a great start.  I'm am two pounds down since I started just from yoga and eating healthy.  Slow and steady...   

Week 2

Tomorrow starts the second week of this project.  Only 358 days to go.  Week 1 got off to a slow start.  With my writing, it was more about finding my voice, getting my thoughts out, and taking the small steps necessary to start.  From a health standpoint, I've committed to doing yoga almost daily and I'm going to do a trial run at a new gym tomorrow morning.  Again, a slow start, but it's something.  I've also been keeping better track of what I'm eating and drinking. Just to give an idea, here's what I had to eat today:

Breakfast - Cheerios, Banana
Snack - Nutrigrain Bar
Lunch - Grilled Chicken, Rice, Vegetables
Snack - Almonds
Dinner - Turkey Soup, Carrots
Snack - Yogurt

It's not much different from any other day, but I am trying to drink more water and watch my portion sizes.  Josh and I were watching TV today after dinner and a commercial came on for a weight loss program with a woman who was around my size in her before picture saying, "I lost 30 pounds!" 

"That's what I want," I said.  Josh gave me the same look he always does when I make comments about my weight which basically said, "You don't have 30 pounds to lose".  But see, that's the problem, and the reason I called this blog Fat is the New Normal.  People just accept the fact the I am a "normal" weight.  They don't think I'm unhealthy because a) I'm not plus size b) there are much bigger people out there c) I dress my body well so it's hard to tell how big I am and d) I'm not obese. 

I'm watching The Biggest Loser right now.  The people on this show so far weigh around 250 pounds or more.  They obviously need help.  You can tell right away that they are unhealthy.  The video clips show pictures of them eating large portions of fried foods with their families with stories about how they "let themselves go" and promised their kids/spouse/parent they would lose weight.  I don't have a story like that.  What I also don't have is Jillian Michaels yelling at me, a chef to make my meals, and a nutritionist.  But I do have a story, and I'm going to tell it, even if no one ever reads it.

6 Days

I made it through the whole day without thinking about writing.  Josh got home from work late and we went to bed around 11:00, and about ten minutes later I remembered that I hadn't posted anything.  I tried to access the page in bed from my phone but it wouldn't let me log in, so I decided to just skip it because, really, my bed is just that comfortable.  6 whole days of commitment would have looked pretty sad for someone who had so much determination less than a week ago. 

Still, my goal is to write every day for 365 days and that's what I plan to do.  Even if some days it's just a short post at 11:56 pm because my husband kicks me out of bed and says, "Just go turn the computer back on and write something.  You'll feel better." 

So, here's a quick summary of today: Got out of bed around 10:00 and did the AM Yoga DVD, organized more junk in my house, set up our new bookshelf, cooked steak, brown rice, and broccoli, made turkey soup, and did paperwork type stuff for work.  I considered going to check out a new gym today but decided to lay on the couch and watch tv instead.  Josh asked me to do yoga again with him and I skipped it, deciding once a day was enough even though I know I could have done more.  My girlfriend invited me out to dinner and I opted to stay home in my pajamas and didn't even call her back. 

I called and talked to my mom and told her about my day.  She calmly asked if I thought it was time to go get my levels checked.  Oh, yeah, that.  See, that's her way of hinting to me that she's noticing the depression symptoms creeping in and my thyroid levels might be a low.   Sleeping too much, lack of motivation, skipping activities with friends.  I know that she's right, I just try to pretend that everything is fine all the time.  So, Monday will not only be the day I check out my potential new gym, but also the day I go see my doctor to get bloodwork done.      

   

Less is More

Today I focused on getting rid of some unecessary things and making some changes in my life.  Simple things, really.  I went through the kitchen cabinets and got rid of things that we never use.  I moved the bookshelf from the clutterred office/spare room and into the living room where I wanted it in the first place so there is more space in the office to work.  I flipped through the old magazines that piled up over the last few months just so I could recycle them.  Tomorrow, my goal is to go through the rest of the boxes in the garage that we didn't unpack from the move and get rid of what we don't need and find a place for what we do.

Doing these things made me feel less stressed, and it got me thinking about other things that help me destress.  One of those things used to be cardio kickboxing, complete with pink boxing gloves and a room full of heavy bags and sweaty people.  I would go at my own pace to make sure I wasn't overdoing it, but every time I left after a class, I felt amazing.  I would take all of the stress of my day out on those bags.  I had to stop about 8 months ago when I tore a ligament in my shoulder and I haven't been back since.  I keep thinking about going back.  I've tried a few gyms since then and it's just not the same.  I decided today that I will probably keep doing yoga because I love how it helps with my flexibility, but I really want to go back to kickboxing.  Even if it was just twice a week, I think it would be worth it, not only for my body, but for my mind. 

The problem is, the gym is close to my office but 30 minutes from my house, which means it would make the most sense to go after work. Josh doesn't get home most days until 5:30 and that's a little too long for our dog to be home alone. When I talked to Josh about it, he suggested we hire a dog walker a few days a week, but I'm not comfortable with other people coming into our house like that.  So, for now, it looks like the pink boxing gloves are staying in the closet, and I need a Plan B.      

More Excuses

My first day back at the office after vacation wasn't much different than before I left.  I had a healthy breakfast and thought about packing a lunch or taking some healthy snacks, but since I was running late to leave as usual, that didn't happen.  I ended up not eating lunch at all with back to back meetings leaving zero time to leave and get food, so of course I was more hungry than I should have been when I got home.  Two bowls of spaghetti and some chips and homemade guacamole later, I'm pretty disappointed in myself.  I need to come up with a better system for work days if this is going to work at all.  Skipping lunch makes it way too hard to eat a healthy dinner.

I didn't exercise at all today.  I'm not sure what my problem is.  It's so easy to at least take the dog for a walk or put in an exercise DVD or do some simple workout I found on pinterest with jumping jacks and sit ups and whatnot.  But some days I just have absolutely zero motivation when I get home from work, especially if I overeat for dinner.  A few years ago I was diagnosed with IBS.  I have to eat all meals and snacks in small portions or else I end up looking like I'm 2 months pregnant with all of the stomach bloating.  All the more reason to plan my meals better during the day, I know.  And that's exactly what I would tell someone in my situation.  The problem is, I have trouble taking my own advice about 90% of the time.

Almost

I almost didn't work out today.  I'm not sure why I was surprised that the self-sabotage started so early (only Day 4) but I was.  I thought I would be so much more motivated this time, but instead, I was trying to decide whether or not I could lie in my blog post and say that I worked out when I didn't.  Really, self?  Who are you trying to impress?

The good news is that I eventually did something.  It took me until 9:30 tonight, but I finished a 30 minute beginner yoga DVD.  I used to think yoga was pointless and boring, but I think it was because I was using the wrong DVDs, like, the kind for old people who just want to be more relaxed and meditate.  I would always do it for a few weeks and then be so bored with myself that I would quit.  I actually haven't tried it since I was 24.  I decided to try it again after J found out that it was good for his back injury.  I got the DVD for him and did it with him at first so he wouldn't feel silly, and I kind of enjoyed it.  We watched the intermediate yoga portion and I'm excited to try that out, too.  Well, once I can touch my toes, maybe.

Am I where I want to be?  Of course not.  I would love to say that I've been hitting it hard at the gym every day and eating super clean and doing everything right.  But, I'm not.  I've learned too many times that if I set my goals too high, I just set myself up for failure.  So, it's beginner yoga for now, and in the future, who knows.  And for once I'm okay with that.

 

Welcome to 2013

Today I turned 31.  There was cake, and ice cream, and cookies, and...ugh.  I didn't do as well as I had hoped from a willpower standpoint.  I had a piece or cake, a few cookies, and ice cream.   I told myself going over to my parents' house that I would do fine.  I would just have a tiny bit of cake and ice cream and be done.  But then the excuses started.  It's my birthday so I shouldn't feel guilty about all of the sugar.  Josh and I did yoga together this morning so I burned some calories so it's okay.  I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, so the extra calories really weren't so bad.  That's the problem, though.  There's always some kind of excuse.  I'm not going to beat myself up about my choices today.  It's not worth obsessing over what I can't go back and change.  All I can do is continue to stay focused on my ultimate goal.

I talked to my mom tonight about my fertility issues.  I am not ovulating and haven't since who knows when.  I went off of birth control in August and, well, nothing's happened since then.  I've been to see my doctor and she basically told me to wait it out.  That everyone is different and it takes some people longer to adjust after going off the pill.  That if there is no change in the next six months, we'll try something to get me back on track.  Well, it's been six months, and still nothing.  I'm not stressing about it because I know that doesn't help anything, but some days I really wish my body would just work the way it's supposed to.  I think it's put me through enough in the past 10 years with my thyroid issues, and it's hard not to think that it's all connected somehow.

I have a plan for getting healthy again and I just hope I am able to stick to it.  I am going to continue to do yoga for now since I can already tell it's making me stronger and it doesn't raise my heart rate too much.  If I don't notice enough of a change in the next few weeks, I am going to look into getting a gym membership at a place down the street from my house.  More on that later, though.  I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.  Maybe that should be part of my plan.  One week at a time...