A Few Weeks Later

I know, I haven't been keeping up my end of this blogging deal.  I don't even have an excuse for not writing anything in the past few weeks other than I just forget to do it.  Most days I come home from work anywhere from 6:00 - 8:00 pm, throw something together for dinner, relax with my husband on the couch, and go to bed.  Try to sleep, wake up, go to work, repeat.  I've been on autopilot for the most part.  The only thing that has changed recently is that we had friends of ours move in with us two weekends ago.  Jeremy was the best man in our wedding and his girlfriend Spencer and dog Chase will be staying with us in our guest room in the basement for the summer.  I think.  I'm actually not sure how long they plan to stay.  There wasn't a real "plan" from the beginning.  Josh mentioned back in November that they might be staying with us at some point in the summer, and then months passed and nothing else was said about it, and now here they are. It's been really nice, though.  Chase and our dog Jack get along perfectly 98% of the time.  Jack is still getting used to other people (and animals) being in his house, but he's been pretty good.  Having them here has allowed me to worry less about being gone most of the day now that Jack isn't alone anymore when we leave for work, but it has also caused my anxiety level to increase overall, just because.  I've noticed myself doing more mindless eating and I know it's because I'm anxious overly.  Not really sure what about, but I can feel it.  I've gained two pounds in the last week due to nighttime overeating and doing nothing to offset the extra calories.  Spencer and I talked about working out together, but she ended up joining Fuel Fitness because they had a three month deal for the summer.

I haven't been back to Curves in months.  I almost went the other day when I was on my way home.  I actually pass it every day on my way home, but usually it's after 6:00 and I would have to get there by 5:30 in order to get a workout in before they close for the night.  Anyway, I didn't go because I didn't have clean gym shoes, which is a requirement to work out there.  Then I realized that my new, clean gym shoes that I bought specifically for Curves were actually in the trunk of my car, and by that point I had already talked myself out of going.  I did play in another soccer game this past Sunday.  It was really nice to get out there again after having to take a few weeks off.  The only negative (besides being insanely sore after each game) is that I have somehow convinced myself that playing soccer for 80 minutes every few weeks if more than enough exercise, and obviously it's not.  I know that.  But part of talking myself out of a more consistent exercise routine always consists of the thought "Well, at least I'm playing soccer now".  Like that makes up for not working out.  I know it doesn't, but I still can't get myself up early to go to the gym.  I think part of it is getting over the embarrassment of walking in after not going for so long at this point.  I've already rehearsed my excuses in my head - "I have a knee injury," or "I have been working longer hours and haven't been able to get up early to work out before work", or even "I've been sick and haven't had the energy."  All true, but not good enough reasons to skip a 20 minute, low impact, super easy exercise circuit.  I can already feel the eyes of the 60 and 70 year old women in the gym judging me.

My EEG and MRI results were normal.  I knew they would be.  The tests were more of a 'We have to rule out brain stuff first' sort of deal.  The neurologist had me tested next for B12 and Myasthenia Gravis at the follow up visit.  I got the results yesterday and my B12 levels are fine and there is no indication of any other issues.  I have an appointment with a sleep specialist next week since my insurance company denied coverage for the Sleep Study my neurologist ordered.  More specialists.  I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac, and it sucks.  This is how I felt before I was diagnosed with Graves'.  Every doctor I went to said I was fine.  I heard it all.  "It's just stress."  "There's nothing wrong with you."  "All of the tests are normal."  "Stop worrying so much and you'll stop losing weight without trying/you won't be so anxious/your hair will stop falling/your period will come back."  Ha, right.  My thyroid levels were off the charts, you incompetent assholes.  But who thinks to check the thyroid levels of an otherwise healthy 17 - 20 year old, right?  So, here we are again.  My body is telling me that something is wrong, and doctors and specialists are telling me that nothing is wrong.  Although, the neurologist did say that it was not normal for a 30 year old woman to be tired all of the time.  So, there's that.   

Frustrated

Saturday was amazing.  I played an entire game of soccer (80 minutes) with only two five minute breaks and one ten minute half-time and I didn't embarrass myself!  I was actually happy with how I played and impressed that I was able to keep up and play with some intensity.  I had forgotten how much fun I used to have while playing and how much I missed the competition and team aspect of it all.

That being said, it's been six days since the game and I still can't stand or walk without pain.  ALL OVER.  I pushed myself too hard, too fast and now I'm paying for it.  I went to have a massage on Thursday and the lady was shocked at how tight my muscles were and concerned for me that I had so much pain in my joints five days after exercising.  The thing is, I knew that I would be sore.  I knew that I was going to put a toll on my body.  I just didn't think it would be that bad.  For days after the game I was exhausted.  I could barely stay awake most days and was ready for bed by 7:00 pm.  Luckily, we don't play this weekend and won't have a game until next weekend so I will have more time to rest, but I am going to have to take it easy when I do play again.  Easier said than done.

I am still waiting on the results from the EEG and MRI.  I have to wait on the sleep study because my insurance company does not think it is "medically necessary" and won't pay for it, so I have asked my neurologist to look at the EEG and MRI results and tell me if I have to have it or not.  My follow up visit isn't until the end of the month, but I don't understand why I can't have my test results now.  It is beyond frustrating.  It's MY brain.  Why do I have to wait to know whether or not something is going on inside of it??? 

Starting Over

I ended up being sick for about 10 days.  I missed work, spent an awful lot of time on the couch, and tried to eat as much as I could while still following the Clean elimination diet and just overall feeling awful.  I blew my nose 500 times a day and barely slept most nights.  I finally started feeling better last Saturday and started back on the cleanse.  Again, it wasn't as hard as I expected it to be.  I got up, had a probiotic pill and a shake around 7:00, a snack around 10:00, healthy lunch around 1:00, snack around 4:00, shake around 7:00, and tons of water and several supplements throughout the day.  The book suggests not snacking at all, but it's so hard, and all of my snacks were healthy.  I didn't do much in the way of exercise because I was worried that I would pass out since I wasn't eating much, but I did join a recreational soccer team, so there's that! 

It's just once a week on Saturdays.  A friend of mine had been asking me to join for years, and I finally said yes a few weeks ago.  The game last week ended up being cancelled because of the rain, so my first game should be this Saturday.  I am both excited and terrified.  Even though I played in high school and college, I haven't played in over 10 years.  I went to see my doctor to make sure I had her "ok" to play, and she recommended an inhaler because of my asthma and allergies.  I mentioned that I was still pretty tired most days, even in the days leading up to the cleanse, and that I had been experiencing some mental fatigue as well.  It might seem like nothing, but I try to be honest with my doctors even at the risk of being a hypochondriac.  Once you are diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, you learn to be totally honest with your doctors.  If I hadn't been completely open with my doctor when I was in my 20s, who knows how long I would have gone being misdiagnosed. 

So anyway, I told her about the ongoing fatigue, and she referred me to a neurologist.  And...yeah.  Not what I was expected, but okay.  I went on Tuesday.  He reviewed my symptoms and medical history and ordered an MRI, EEG, and sleep study.  Pretty standard so there's not reason to be concerned yet.  I go for the EEG on Friday, MRI next Tuesday, and I have to call and schedule the sleep study.  While I have a feeling they won't find anything, at least I will have a few things to cross of the list of potential reasons I feel like crap all the time.  I was really hoping it was just a gluten/dairy/casein/something intolerance, but it doesn't look like that is the case. 

Irony

I started the Clean program 10 days ago.  The first part includes a pre-cleanse diet that is pretty restrictive, but basically consists of vegetables, lean meats (chicken and turkey), nuts, and fruits (excluding bananas and strawberries).  You are not allowed to eat wheat, dairy, have caffeine, drink alcohol, or have anything with preservatives.  Everything must be fresh and/or organic.  It was pretty difficult at first, but the food wasn't so bad once I got into it.  I started the actual cleanse on Monday.  It consists of a meal shake for breakfast with supplements and a probiotic, a healthy lunch from a list of approved food, and a meal shake with supplements for dinner.  You are not supposed to eat for 12 hours after dinner, and it is recommended that you take two spoonfuls of olive oil and add garlic to most of the foods you eat.  Again, not difficult, but not easy either.   My body lasted two days on the cleanse before totally freaking out.

On Tuesday, I was at work and started to feel a little stuffy and was sneezing occasionally.  I looked on the Clean website and read that those symptoms are pretty typical, so I didn't think much about it.  On Wednesday, I couldn't breathe through my nose at all, was completely congested, and felt horrible.  I also had a fever.  I emailed one of the Clean Wellness Coaches and let her know about my symptoms, and she said it would be a good idea to stop the cleanse until I was feeling better.  Ugh. Yesterday, I could breathe most of the day but the coughing started and I could barely talk.  I was in bed most of the day.  Today, I'm better, but still not back to normal, and just really frustrated.

Just when I thought something would really help, my body decided not to cooperate.  I actually felt much better on the pre-cleanse, and was looking forward to feeling amazing after the cleanse.  I have decided to look at this as my body telling me that it was too much, and that maybe it's best to do a modified version of the cleanse so I can keep my energy up and my immune system working.  I am not giving up, though.  The second I start feeling better, I will start the program again.  I have already noticed some weight coming off.  I have more energy and I am no longer bloated.  I am hopeful. 

Clean

The last few weeks have been pretty awful.  The depression is back, I haven't been sleeping through the night so I'm exhausted during the day and have trouble getting out of bed in the morning, I have some overall body achiness that won't go away, mental confusion, and I've been pretty irritable to say the least.  I haven't been writing because, well, I'm just not really sure what to say at this point.  I haven't been to the gym at all in weeks, and that is hard to admit.  I haven't even been doing yoga.  I have been eating healthy (with the exception of the Dairy Queen blizzard I had last night as a last ditch effort to cheer myself up) so that has kept me on track as far as my weight goes, but I have just been feeling...blah.

I've been reading the book Clean by Alejandro Junger.  I'm not entirely sure if my depression, fatigue, and pain have to do with the foods that I'm eating or nutrients I'm not getting, but I figured it couldn't hurt to try the program.  There's a three day elimination diet which, for me, would only include cutting out a few things that I love (like strawberries, yogurt, and bananas) and then a few weeks of a cleanse which includes protein shakes in the morning and evening, and a healthy lunch and snacks from a list of approved foods.  At this point, I am ready to try anything to feel better.  I checked with my doctor and she approved it, and said that she and her husband actually do the same cleanse once a year!  So, my hopes are high.  I can't take another few weeks of feeling this way.

Change

I finally got a new doctor!  For those who know me, I have been unhappy with my doctor for a while now but was hesitant to change to someone new because I had been going to the same clinic since I was 18 years old.  I started considering changing after the third or fourth visit that left me waiting for almost two hours.  Now, I know my doctor is busy, but two hours just to sit in a waiting room and then talk to a doctor for 15 minutes is ridiculous.  And what's worse is that, since he is so busy, I didn't feel like he ever had the time to sit and actually listen to my concerns.  So, I did some research on healthgrades.com and found a doctor in my neighborhood and made an appointment.  Dr. Tarin is 27 years old, female, specializes in internal medicine, and is a huge fan of clean eating (no preservatives, lots of fruit and vegetables, low sugar/alcohol/dairy/gluten).  I have been looking into clean eating for the past few weeks, so it was pretty awesome when she actually recommended that I read the same book that I had just ordered from Amazon.com the week before!  The best part, though, the icing on the gluten/sugar free cake, was that she spent 45 minutes with me listening to every concern I had and answering every question I could think of.  She ordered every test I asked for, completely understood when I complained about how my last doctor would only ever order a TSH test when I would ask for a full thyroid panel, and listened to me talk about my concerns about getting pregnant.  She assured me that she would work with me to try to get me off of both my cholesterol and anxiety medicine if that's what I wanted.  For now, I am okay taking the meds if that's what my body needs, but I can't take them when I am pregnant, so it's great to know that there is a back up plan! 

I started my clean eating program today.  What's awesome that Josh is on board, too!  It makes it that much easier having only healthy food in the house instead of "my" food and "his" food to tempt me.  He went out yesterday and bought flax seed, hemp hearts, and protein powder to mix in my smoothies since I'm not a big meat eater and need the protein.  I started a supplement regiment that includes flax seed capsules, fish oil, a Multi Vitamin, B12, and Vitamin C.  We got rid of whatever junk we had in the kitchen (which wasn't much) to make sure that there were no temptations.  I also spent three hours yesterday cleaning and decluttering the kitchen.  I felt soooo much better after doing that.  It was amazing to me how much better I felt just having things organized.  We did yoga together yesterday which we haven't done in a while, so my muscles feel better, too.  Hopefully, by the end of this month, I will start seeing some significant changes. 

My New Normal

I went to Curves today after getting out of work early, and walked in to find that only one other woman works out on Wednesdays at 4:30.  She is 75 years old.  Her name is Delores.  She has a lot to say.  A LOT.  Mostly about the temperature of the facility, which, according to her, was unacceptable.  I forgot my iPod so I just listened politely while she finished her workout, which, thankfully, did not take long.  Halfway through my own workout, three other women came in.  They were all very nice.  We introduced ourselves and they all talked while I focused on my workout.  When I was done, one of the ladies asked if I wouldn't mind talking more the next time I came in, because they would all like to hear my stories, and I was a bit too quiet.  Um, what?  I guess it's not okay to come in and "just" workout.  You also have to be entertaining.  I mumbled something about being a quiet person and they all sort of laughed as if to say "That won't last long".  Who knows, maybe I'll find myself interacting more with these women eventually, but honestly,  I'm there to lose weight, not to socialize.  I know that probably makes me stand out even more, but I'm okay with that.

Josh and I had a talk today about how we think things would be different if we had a baby.  This came up after I talked to a few different friends with young children who basically said that we should cherish this time, because once we have kids, our marriage will go to crap.  It's not that I believe that, exactly.  I think Josh and I have an amazing relationship, better than most, actually, so I don't think that we will go from amazing to crap after having a baby. But I'm smart enough to know that our relationship will change.  There will be more stress, less sleep, and more to worry about.  I will probably complain that he works too much, and he will probably complain that I pay more attention to the baby than to him.  He will retreat to the gym more than I will want him to and I will be struggling to lose whatever weight I gain after working so hard to lose it the first time, which I know will be very tough.  But we will figure it out.  In the mean time, I'd really like some people to tell me that it doesn't have to get worse.  That having a baby can actually take our relationship from amazing to even more amazing.  Just one example would suffice.  Anyone?

Motivation

Yesterday was my first official day as a Curves member.  Josh tried to wake me up at 7:00 am and, surprising even to me, I got up, got my stuff together, and was out the door by 7:15.  Josh dropped me off on his way to work so I was at the gym and ready to work out by 7:20.  Did I mention before that I'm not a morning person?  This, for me, was EPIC.  It was the absolute earliest I have ever worked out (or even been out of my house doing anything athletic-y) in my life.  I was in the same clothes I slept in the night before, no make up, hair in a messy ponytail.  There were five other women there when I arrived and two more who came while I was halfway through the circuit.  It was, well...interesting.  Let's just say that everyone in the room had either 30 years or 50 lbs on me, easy.  Most of the women spent the time talking about their kids and grandkids.  I listened to my ipod on shuffle and rediscovered some of my favorite songs while half listening to the conversations, smiling and nodding at people so they didn't think I was a total jerk.  I finished the circuit twice and checked my heart rate, and was shocked to see that it was at 100%.  I finished stretching and walked home.  It took me 7 minutes and was not bad at all.  I was a tiny bit sore when I got up this morning.  This might actually work!

I went again this morning.  Josh dropped me off at 7:20 on his way to work and I walked home.  The atmosphere was the same.  Older women talking about their kids and grandkids, marriages, vacations they hope to take, plans for Valentine's day.  I left my ipod on for the first time around the circuit but turned it off for the second time around and tried to interact a bit, again, so I didn't look like a jerk.  I told the lady who signed me up that I was going to try to come every morning.  Obviously I don't have the best track record with sticking to my goals, but hopefully I can come close.  I already feel better and can't wait to start seeing some results.  Every little bit of change is motivation to me.

A New Beginning

My aunt is doing better.  She is walking with some assistance but is still in the hospital.  They want to release her soon but she will probably have a home-health nurse to help her out since my uncle is still in a back brace from his injuries.  They are very determined to get better.  I hope they do soon.

I finally got my test results back.  My cholesterol is still very high.  Well, actually, my HDL which is supposed to be high, is low, and my LDL which is supposed to be low, is high.  So, yeah.  I started taking fish oil supplements and cut out more processed food from my diet.  The only processed foods I really eat anymore are cereal and low fat, low calorie granola bars.  But, not anymore.  It will be oatmeal, fruit, or yogurt, or some combination of the three for breakfast from now on.  I am tired of taking meds, and I won't be able to take them when I'm pregnant anyway, so I HAVE to figure out how to do this on my own.

So, I finally went for my free trial at the gym down the street.  I told a friend of mine that I was embarrassed to tell him what the gym was called, and when I finally did, he did not understand by hesitation at all.  So, here it is.  I am going to start working out at Curves.  My problem with admitting that originally was because...well, there were a few problems, actually.  The first was that I have been an athlete my entire life.  I did competitive gymnastics, soccer, softball, basketball and track growing up.  I played soccer in college until the Graves' symptoms wouldn't allow me to anymore.  Even after I had the radioactive iodine treatment, I refused to do any type of exercise that wasn't competitive (hence, never taking to Yoga).  When I finally found cardio kickboxing, I felt like I was back where I belonged.  It was a great combination of athleticism and competition trying to keep up with everyone else in the gym. 

The other problem was my vision of Curves.  When I thought about it, to be honest, I pictured a bunch of lazy, older women who can't make it at a "normal" gym.  When I accepted the fact that Curves really was the best place for me at this time in my life, I was a little disappointed in myself.  But when I went for my free trial today, instead of disappointment, I felt proud of myself.  I was finally doing something instead of just talking about it.  I signed up for 12 months, knowing good and well that I might not make it that long, because that's been my history, but knowing that I have to at least try.  The workout is only as hard as you make it.  The machines work on resistance, so they work as hard as you do, and you can do the 10 minute circuit as many times as you want.  They track your progress every few weeks, it's a small gym, only women are allowed so I can roll out of bed and go in my pajamas and not feel self-conscious, and the best part is that it's only 30 seconds from my house.  We'll call this Day 1. 

Still Waiting

Yep, still waiting for my test results.  I'm not sure what the issue is.  Usually my doctor just calls in a new script if he wants to change my med levels so I don't have to come in to the office all the time, but I haven't heard anything and I'm starting to worry.  But worrying is nothing new this week...

My aunt and uncle were in a horrible car accident on Thursday.  I was leaving work and about to turn to go home when I got the call.  I went straight to the hospital.  I was the first one there, so I went back and forth from one room to the other in the ER, trying to figure out what was going on and if they were going to be okay.  I walked in the first room to find my uncle in a neck brace and unable to move.  As soon as I walked in, he started to cry, saying it wasn't his fault, it was an accident, the car hit a patch of ice and they flew down the side of a hill.  They had to be cut out of the car.  He was so scared because he didn't know what had happened to his wife.  I told him I would check on her, and left to find her room.

She was even worse.  Also in a neck brace, but still on the board they use to lift people into the ambulance.  She complained to me that they wouldn't take her off of the board and it hurt so badly, she just wanted to lie in the bed and couldn't even do that.  The nurse came in and told her the MRI results came back and they needed to do emergency surgery.  We had no idea why.  I went to tell my uncle and he broke down sobbing.  He yelled to the nurse to take him to his wife.  She rolled his bed down the ER hallway and into her room, next to her bed.  They held hands because it was all they could do, both in neck braces and unable to move.  It was heartbreaking. 

We later found out that a bone in her back had shattered during the crash and that pieces of bone were pressing against her spinal cord.  The doctors were not sure if she would be able to walk or even move after the surgery.  They gave her a 4 percent chance of recovery without paralysis.  My uncle was released on Saturday and sent home in a back brace.  He has a compression fracture but he will be okay.  My aunt was expected to have a very long road ahead of her, prognosis still unknown.  Well, we called today and talked to my aunt.  She told us that she surprised the crap out of the nurses by walking with assistance.  Unbelievable.  She is so strong.  And stubborn.  And...amazing.  She kept saying that all she wanted to do was get home and get back to work.  She was not about to lie around and feel sorry for herself.  She didn't have time for that. 

Just, wow.

1 Week Later

I still don't have answers from the doctors.  Again, they are at a loss as to what is going on with my body.  I'm still waiting on my thyroid results so maybe that will shed some light on things.  I am hoping to get my levels within normal limits so that I can go off of the cholesterol medicine.  It's not something I can take when I'm pregnant, so I would like my body to get to the point where it's no longer necessary.  I've also been taking .5 mg of an anti-anxiety medicine for the last year which my doctor thinks may be causing my blood pressure issues.  Hopefully, for now,  I can manage with a .25 mg dose each day.  I'm afraid to even read about the potential complications from taking anxiety medication during pregnancy.  Obviously, I will stop taking it if I have to, but I really hope it's not an issue.  I've felt like a completely different (i.e. normal) person since I started taking this medicine and I don't want to go back to how things used to be.  I'm actually better at my job when I'm less anxious, and I eat less since I tend to stress eat sometimes, so I'd like to keep it that way if I can. 

My depression symptoms haven't improved much.  I've been staying home more than usual, cancelling plans often, struggling to just get up and even take a shower.  I don't feel like myself.  The weird part is, I usually sleep a lot when I feel depressed, but these days, I haven't been sleeping much at all.  I'm going on four nights now with no more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep.  It doesn't make much sense.  I forced myself to leave the house today and go into the office.  I am extremely lucky and get to work from home occasionally, but I can't take advantage of it and have to get it together soon.  My clients and supervisees need me to be healthy and at my best.

I drove past the gym today and considered going in to officially join.  I even saw a commercial for the same gym today and felt like it was a sign.  They are having a membership sale!  But, I passed right by because there were too many cars in the parking lot.  Or, at least that's what I told myself.  In reality, I just didn't have the energy to stop and get out of the car again.  It's so frustrating to even type this, because I just want to tell myself to get over myself already.  Quit talking about doing things and then not doing them!  But beating myself up isn't helpful. 

I knew this would take time because that's been my history.  I have to keep taking it slow or else I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing.  I'm still eating healthy, running around with the dog, and doing yoga as much as I can stand it.  Seriously, though, it's time to take the next step...

Answers

I went to the doctor today hoping to have blood work done to check my thyroid levels.  Instead, I found out that, apparently, my thyroid is likely causing my body to process cholesterol improperly.  Hmm.  I found out that I had high cholesterol a few months ago, but my doctor didn't say a word about my thyroid being related.  Today, my doctor was out of the office and I saw his partner instead, and he happened to mention the connection between the two.  I came home, did some research, and sure enough, there is research to support the theory.  So, all the more reason to make sure that my levels are within normal limits.  I might be able to go off of the cholesterol medication if they are, and the less medication I have to take, the better I feel.

I also mentioned to the doctor that I have been getting dizzy lately, mainly when I stand up after sitting for a long time, and when I blow my nose.  He took my blood pressure and it was 90/60.  Unsure what the reason for that is, but he took some extra blood to run a full panel and I should know soon if there are any other issues.  I also mentioned the heart palpitations I've been having for the last few weeks.  Right now, I'm just trying to take it easy.  Yoga and walking the dog have been my go-to workouts, if you can even call them that.  But, with the dizziness and heart palpitations, I'm scared to try anything else right now. 

Fail

Um, so...yeah.  I haven't posted anything since Sunday.  I almost decided to just give up and delete this whole thing after I missed posting on Monday.  That's how much a perfectionist I am.  If I can't do it the "right" way, I don't want to do it at all.  I have the same problem with eating healthy and working out.  Surprise, surprise.  If I can't work out all the time or as hard as I want to, I end up wanting to quit.  If I slip and eat something unhealthy, I think my whole day is shot so I might as well eat junk the rest of the day. 

But, I'm back.  I think this really is helping, and I'm not going to give up that easily.  Not this time.  I just have to redefine what makes this writing project a success.  It may not be writing every single day, but it will be giving myself a way to get my thoughts and frustrations out and continue to motivate myself.  For example, I talked Josh into doing "intermediate yoga" last night instead of the beginner yoga because I was getting bored with it (yes, already), and the whole time I thought, "I can't wait to write about this!"  It was sooo challenging, but I made it through. 

I still haven't gone to check out the gym down the street.  I haven't made my way to the doctor's office to get my levels checked.  I am not perfect.  Ugh, it's so hard to write that.  But, I'm not.  And I have to get over it.  I will get to the doctor when I can.  I will go check out the gym when it works for my schedule.  Maybe Friday, maybe Saturday, maybe next week.  For now, the yoga has been really amazing and I'm actually seeing results, so it's a great start.  I'm am two pounds down since I started just from yoga and eating healthy.  Slow and steady...   

Week 2

Tomorrow starts the second week of this project.  Only 358 days to go.  Week 1 got off to a slow start.  With my writing, it was more about finding my voice, getting my thoughts out, and taking the small steps necessary to start.  From a health standpoint, I've committed to doing yoga almost daily and I'm going to do a trial run at a new gym tomorrow morning.  Again, a slow start, but it's something.  I've also been keeping better track of what I'm eating and drinking. Just to give an idea, here's what I had to eat today:

Breakfast - Cheerios, Banana
Snack - Nutrigrain Bar
Lunch - Grilled Chicken, Rice, Vegetables
Snack - Almonds
Dinner - Turkey Soup, Carrots
Snack - Yogurt

It's not much different from any other day, but I am trying to drink more water and watch my portion sizes.  Josh and I were watching TV today after dinner and a commercial came on for a weight loss program with a woman who was around my size in her before picture saying, "I lost 30 pounds!" 

"That's what I want," I said.  Josh gave me the same look he always does when I make comments about my weight which basically said, "You don't have 30 pounds to lose".  But see, that's the problem, and the reason I called this blog Fat is the New Normal.  People just accept the fact the I am a "normal" weight.  They don't think I'm unhealthy because a) I'm not plus size b) there are much bigger people out there c) I dress my body well so it's hard to tell how big I am and d) I'm not obese. 

I'm watching The Biggest Loser right now.  The people on this show so far weigh around 250 pounds or more.  They obviously need help.  You can tell right away that they are unhealthy.  The video clips show pictures of them eating large portions of fried foods with their families with stories about how they "let themselves go" and promised their kids/spouse/parent they would lose weight.  I don't have a story like that.  What I also don't have is Jillian Michaels yelling at me, a chef to make my meals, and a nutritionist.  But I do have a story, and I'm going to tell it, even if no one ever reads it.

6 Days

I made it through the whole day without thinking about writing.  Josh got home from work late and we went to bed around 11:00, and about ten minutes later I remembered that I hadn't posted anything.  I tried to access the page in bed from my phone but it wouldn't let me log in, so I decided to just skip it because, really, my bed is just that comfortable.  6 whole days of commitment would have looked pretty sad for someone who had so much determination less than a week ago. 

Still, my goal is to write every day for 365 days and that's what I plan to do.  Even if some days it's just a short post at 11:56 pm because my husband kicks me out of bed and says, "Just go turn the computer back on and write something.  You'll feel better." 

So, here's a quick summary of today: Got out of bed around 10:00 and did the AM Yoga DVD, organized more junk in my house, set up our new bookshelf, cooked steak, brown rice, and broccoli, made turkey soup, and did paperwork type stuff for work.  I considered going to check out a new gym today but decided to lay on the couch and watch tv instead.  Josh asked me to do yoga again with him and I skipped it, deciding once a day was enough even though I know I could have done more.  My girlfriend invited me out to dinner and I opted to stay home in my pajamas and didn't even call her back. 

I called and talked to my mom and told her about my day.  She calmly asked if I thought it was time to go get my levels checked.  Oh, yeah, that.  See, that's her way of hinting to me that she's noticing the depression symptoms creeping in and my thyroid levels might be a low.   Sleeping too much, lack of motivation, skipping activities with friends.  I know that she's right, I just try to pretend that everything is fine all the time.  So, Monday will not only be the day I check out my potential new gym, but also the day I go see my doctor to get bloodwork done.      

   

Less is More

Today I focused on getting rid of some unecessary things and making some changes in my life.  Simple things, really.  I went through the kitchen cabinets and got rid of things that we never use.  I moved the bookshelf from the clutterred office/spare room and into the living room where I wanted it in the first place so there is more space in the office to work.  I flipped through the old magazines that piled up over the last few months just so I could recycle them.  Tomorrow, my goal is to go through the rest of the boxes in the garage that we didn't unpack from the move and get rid of what we don't need and find a place for what we do.

Doing these things made me feel less stressed, and it got me thinking about other things that help me destress.  One of those things used to be cardio kickboxing, complete with pink boxing gloves and a room full of heavy bags and sweaty people.  I would go at my own pace to make sure I wasn't overdoing it, but every time I left after a class, I felt amazing.  I would take all of the stress of my day out on those bags.  I had to stop about 8 months ago when I tore a ligament in my shoulder and I haven't been back since.  I keep thinking about going back.  I've tried a few gyms since then and it's just not the same.  I decided today that I will probably keep doing yoga because I love how it helps with my flexibility, but I really want to go back to kickboxing.  Even if it was just twice a week, I think it would be worth it, not only for my body, but for my mind. 

The problem is, the gym is close to my office but 30 minutes from my house, which means it would make the most sense to go after work. Josh doesn't get home most days until 5:30 and that's a little too long for our dog to be home alone. When I talked to Josh about it, he suggested we hire a dog walker a few days a week, but I'm not comfortable with other people coming into our house like that.  So, for now, it looks like the pink boxing gloves are staying in the closet, and I need a Plan B.      

More Excuses

My first day back at the office after vacation wasn't much different than before I left.  I had a healthy breakfast and thought about packing a lunch or taking some healthy snacks, but since I was running late to leave as usual, that didn't happen.  I ended up not eating lunch at all with back to back meetings leaving zero time to leave and get food, so of course I was more hungry than I should have been when I got home.  Two bowls of spaghetti and some chips and homemade guacamole later, I'm pretty disappointed in myself.  I need to come up with a better system for work days if this is going to work at all.  Skipping lunch makes it way too hard to eat a healthy dinner.

I didn't exercise at all today.  I'm not sure what my problem is.  It's so easy to at least take the dog for a walk or put in an exercise DVD or do some simple workout I found on pinterest with jumping jacks and sit ups and whatnot.  But some days I just have absolutely zero motivation when I get home from work, especially if I overeat for dinner.  A few years ago I was diagnosed with IBS.  I have to eat all meals and snacks in small portions or else I end up looking like I'm 2 months pregnant with all of the stomach bloating.  All the more reason to plan my meals better during the day, I know.  And that's exactly what I would tell someone in my situation.  The problem is, I have trouble taking my own advice about 90% of the time.

Almost

I almost didn't work out today.  I'm not sure why I was surprised that the self-sabotage started so early (only Day 4) but I was.  I thought I would be so much more motivated this time, but instead, I was trying to decide whether or not I could lie in my blog post and say that I worked out when I didn't.  Really, self?  Who are you trying to impress?

The good news is that I eventually did something.  It took me until 9:30 tonight, but I finished a 30 minute beginner yoga DVD.  I used to think yoga was pointless and boring, but I think it was because I was using the wrong DVDs, like, the kind for old people who just want to be more relaxed and meditate.  I would always do it for a few weeks and then be so bored with myself that I would quit.  I actually haven't tried it since I was 24.  I decided to try it again after J found out that it was good for his back injury.  I got the DVD for him and did it with him at first so he wouldn't feel silly, and I kind of enjoyed it.  We watched the intermediate yoga portion and I'm excited to try that out, too.  Well, once I can touch my toes, maybe.

Am I where I want to be?  Of course not.  I would love to say that I've been hitting it hard at the gym every day and eating super clean and doing everything right.  But, I'm not.  I've learned too many times that if I set my goals too high, I just set myself up for failure.  So, it's beginner yoga for now, and in the future, who knows.  And for once I'm okay with that.

 

Welcome to 2013

Today I turned 31.  There was cake, and ice cream, and cookies, and...ugh.  I didn't do as well as I had hoped from a willpower standpoint.  I had a piece or cake, a few cookies, and ice cream.   I told myself going over to my parents' house that I would do fine.  I would just have a tiny bit of cake and ice cream and be done.  But then the excuses started.  It's my birthday so I shouldn't feel guilty about all of the sugar.  Josh and I did yoga together this morning so I burned some calories so it's okay.  I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, so the extra calories really weren't so bad.  That's the problem, though.  There's always some kind of excuse.  I'm not going to beat myself up about my choices today.  It's not worth obsessing over what I can't go back and change.  All I can do is continue to stay focused on my ultimate goal.

I talked to my mom tonight about my fertility issues.  I am not ovulating and haven't since who knows when.  I went off of birth control in August and, well, nothing's happened since then.  I've been to see my doctor and she basically told me to wait it out.  That everyone is different and it takes some people longer to adjust after going off the pill.  That if there is no change in the next six months, we'll try something to get me back on track.  Well, it's been six months, and still nothing.  I'm not stressing about it because I know that doesn't help anything, but some days I really wish my body would just work the way it's supposed to.  I think it's put me through enough in the past 10 years with my thyroid issues, and it's hard not to think that it's all connected somehow.

I have a plan for getting healthy again and I just hope I am able to stick to it.  I am going to continue to do yoga for now since I can already tell it's making me stronger and it doesn't raise my heart rate too much.  If I don't notice enough of a change in the next few weeks, I am going to look into getting a gym membership at a place down the street from my house.  More on that later, though.  I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.  Maybe that should be part of my plan.  One week at a time...